Originally Emmie's Pediatrician wanted us to stay in the hospital until Thursday morning but I was so happy they let us get discharged tonight! Today was sort of an interesting day. Mike had some appointments this morning and Will was at home with Gammy Stacy and I was definitely starting to go stir crazy stuck in my room at the hospital. The hospital was so quiet and I swear I was one of only like 2 patients on the floor and I was definitely feeling a lot of anxiety. I just really wanted to get home and get things back to normal. I was trying to spend every minute I could with baby Emmie and experience things I didn't get to with Will. I was seriously exhausted but still just couldn't send her to the nursery hardly at all. On top of that I was missing Will like crazy and thinking about him constantly and just couldn't shake how much I missed him! Plus to top things off the fun hormonal stuff was definitely starting to kick in.
Luckily Mike showed up just in time and insisted I get out of my room and take a walk. We took Emmie to the Nursery (where she was literally the only baby in there) and headed out to see the sunshine! Mike had a call come in and so I sat down on a bench and had to take a minute to think about things. The bench I sat down at was a bench we have sat at multiple times before when Will was here and I just couldn't help but break down a little bit. Things have been so different this time and it really hit home just how hard things were with Will. Experiencing things with Emmie has been completely different and my emotions are all over the place. On one had I was expecting to have them place Emmie on my chest and have that crying wonderful bonding experience, instead I was still just so scared she was going to stop breathing. It took a good 15-20 minutes for me to relax enough and not be scared she was going to have to be rushed off to the NICU. I also know I have made myself literally exhausted by hardly getting any sleep and not putting Emmie down. I just couldn't force myself to send her to the Nursery when I would have given anything to hold Will when I couldn't.
On one had I was so excited knowing we were getting released tonight and I would be discharged with my baby coming home with me. But on the other I couldn't help but realize just how hard those three weeks with Will in the NICU really were. I learned so much from our experiences with Will and I am so grateful for the ways it changed me as a person so I could truly appreciate BOTH experiences. I have two healthy little kiddos and lets just pray it stays that way!
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